Happy Anniversary to us!

What a great day!

Three years ago today (probably at around 7 pm), I got married to the best man in the world, not counting Jesus. He cried a lot, but I didn't. The music was so good, I wanted to jump up and down on the stage (but I didn't). We had caramel cake and Breyer's icecream and dancing. The flowers were beautiful, all real spring flowers, in some cases harvested from people's yards (potentially without their consent!). And Keith Berger said, "He loves you not because you are beautiful, but because He is making you beautiful."

These past three years have been so much better walking alongside ol' Roy. His wit and sometimes just weirdness keep me laughing, his strength and hugs and absolute faith in God's care for us have sustained me during terrible times.

It's hard to look back and think of those years as wonderful. Full of wondering, but not exactly wonderful. It has been so good good good to be with Roy, but the being a family part has been hard. We have lost two babies--but only gotten one to hold. It's taken us three years to find a job that we love and that seems like it's going to provide financial stability. And we are still learning about each other, how to fight, how to parent, how to fight about parenting, how to be grown ups...we have just begun! I don't think Keith said it at our wedding (I couldn't listen that well, to be honest), but I know he's said it at lots of others, that marriage is hard, but good, and I can't really add to that. It has been terribly hard--so many hard things that wouldn't have happened if we hadn't gotten married, but it has been beyond good...so many good things that couldn't have happened without our marriage, including but not limited to a beautiful girl named Iris.

God has been so good to us, and I am so thankful to him for putting me and Roy together.

It seems like just yesterday we drove off to the reception, went to Wendy's, and then to the Lion's park because we were waiting for my dad to take the presents to our apartment so we could spend our night there. Yes. It was delightfully awkward. And I forgot to get serving utensils for the reception food.

I'm pretty sure I had the best wedding ever.

Tonight we are planning on eating our favorite food and watching our wedding DVD. I'm looking forward to it.

tomorrow (that is wednesday)

Is our three year anniversary.

this is not a loveydovey post, even though i'm thinking about doing one, but I just wanted to make sure that we marked it.

our first anniversary (at my instigation) we went to see Obama at JSU but didn't actually make it into the place where he was. I was pregnant with Iris.
our second anniversary, i have vague memories of maybe being sick and having saigon at home. Iris was five months then i think?
I'm not quite sure what's happening on Wednesday, but I hope it involves getting out of the house and actually being able to do what we planned.

THE END

baby brag

or complaint.

It has seemed like Iris has been extra bad this week and last, like she's practicing for being two. Also, there have been extreme amounts of drool. I finally stuck my finger in the dragon's mouth today and lo and behold, besides the four extremely sharp teeth already in there, there are four HUGE bumps, one with a tiny sharp bit poking  through.  The best part about it is that she has been getting her hands on medicine bottles (we've had some antibiotics lately) and holding them up to us, like she's saying "give me some pain killer, fools!" I guess she's communicating in her own little way.

Also she likes her PB sandwiches open face, and loves to play on the computer...even though I'm trying to discourage that one. But I know she's just modeling me, so I guess I should get off and take her outside!

Much love to all.

Emily

I am so tired

but I guess that means I've been busy, and that is good.

I don't think this will be very coherent, but whatever. I feel like making a post. (ps. i just debated for a good ten seconds about whether I should say "entry" or "post" ; both of them sounded too formal to me.)

New things: I like my egg yolks runny. This is very new and different. I guess it's from my spate of poached eggs eating, but now even my fried eggs I like them not to be solid. This preference makes me wonder if I'm turning into a different person.

Of course,  I never thought I'd be living in Alabama, either, so that is also a new thing. I spent years hating Alabama for the same reason I hated Columbus....they were right beside us and better than us. Oh well.

Also, this job puts me in some pretty good company. A lot of amazing women are campus minister's wives. (should that first apostrophe be after the s?). Both of the interns who were at State while I was in college are married to campus ministers. And then there are other cool ladies, too. I'm really looking forward to being part of that group. (There's even a facebook group...maybe I should join.)

Iris is growing growing growing. This morning she found a pen, pulled my notebook-calendar off the table, and scribbled all over the front page.  Also she's definitely right handed.

I have gotten a lot accomplished today and I'm tired, so I think I'm going to go sit on the couch.

Before I go, a confession: I would rather be pregnant than skinny. [not for always, just for right now] [NO THIS IS NOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT]

The end.

AND WITH THE NUMBER ONE PICK.....

Huntsville selects the young Roy Hubbard, out of Louisiana State University and Reformed Theological Seminary. Accompanying him will be Emily Hubbard, from Mississippi State University, and Iris Hubbard. Hubbard is known for his teaching gifts and great pull-up jumper.

Yes, folks, that's right, we have received a call, and it's not on the telephone! Lord willing, in late May or early June, we'll be headed to Huntsville, Alabama--ROCKET CITY! Roy is going to be the founding RUF campus minister at Alabama A&M, an HBCU (historically black college/university) there, and the alma mater of our dear friend Elbert McGowan. The campus is ready for Roy to be there--we've heard of a hunger AND we already have written permission to be on campus...so we are absolutely thrilled to have this opportunity, even though I never did think I would live in Alabama.  Shows what I know.

If you're familiar with our job search history, you'll know that we interviewed in Huntsville LAST year around this time, but there were other opportunities on the table, and, to put it bluntly, we just weren't feeling it. Also it snowed, and I was really cold the whole time. But all the other chances fell through, and so we stayed in Jackson for this year, trying to get Tougaloo back on track. I remember telling people, "well, apparently God wants us in Jackson." And he did. This year has been good, but hard, and humbling, but Roy's gotten to use his teaching gifts to the glory of God; I know that he has been able to touch lives. And I've gotten the chance to make some sweet friendships and learn more about my place in the kingdom (to be pretty non-specific). When we heard that Providence Presbytery was still interested in us THIS year, we kinda sat down (actually, we drove around Jackson) and thought about our previous experience with Huntsville, and how we hadn't really been faithful to appropriately seek God's will regarding it. How comforting to know that even in our failings, God doesn't let go of his plans for us.

And so we are excited and the Huntsville people are excited that we are coming.

So though we'll be sad to leave Jackson (and I'll be sad to leave Mississippi) and our family and relationships and Redeemer Church and Saigon and my job at the University Press, and all the not-quite-babies-anymore that Iris was born with, we are, we really are, so GLAD to know where our little corner of the kingdom is supposed to be, and we are so ready to go out there and start putting down roots and taking dominion.

Huntsville is in the foothills of the Appalachians AND two hours away from Chattanooga, where my sister and a couple cousins live AND one of Roy's best friends, and closer to Atlanta, too, where more of my family is. It's definitely farther from Starkville, so that is sad, but on the other hand, Alabama A&M's mascot is the Bulldog and their colors are maroon and white, so maybe I'll just feel so at home I won't even miss Starkville. (Okay, that's not really going to happen.) But I am especially looking forward to being able to do lots of outdoorsy stuff -- and having good friends come to do it with me. Iris might be a woodswoman by the time she's old...if she doesn't turn into a space geek.

There's already an RUF at UA-Huntsville, so Roy will have a co-worker right in town. There's also a multi-racial church plant, that, though it won't be Redeemer, will be great to be involved with. [sorry that sentence ended with a preposition].

So, our story is that we have had two interviews--one with the Presbytery RUF committee and one with the state RUF committee. Now we have do have a mini-assessment, raise some money (still fuzzy on the details about that one), find a place to live, and Roy has to get ordained. His last day of school here is May 21, so you Jacksonians bear that in mind.

Please pray for all that to work out. Pray for the students at A&M, that God would be already preparing them for Roy's ministry to them. I'm sure we'll be sending a support letter out shortly, so let us know if you'd like to get one. We'll put cute pictures of Iris in it...you know you want it!

The End.

a few observations

1) it's snowed so often, it's not really exciting anymore. Maybe Iris will like it? Also, I hope Clinton public schools cancel.

2) I think I have pinkeye, along with a sinus infection, and might be battling other stuff too. I don't want to go to the doctor, but I'm really tired of being sick.

3) Iris had a little fever last night, and I think her head cold might have travelled down to her chest. Boo.

4) I just watched the movie "Penelope" and really enjoyed it.

5) Roy just got home from RUF. Hurray!

fairies

I spent most of the day on my couch or in my bathroom, thanks to a stomach bug or food poisoning, but my house is definitely cleaner than it was this morning. I guess we either have housecleaning fairies or our household contains the World's Best Husband.

Also, Iris is in this fantastic (ish?) stage where we can just give her a piece of bread if she's hungry. Not that we do it all the time, but I wish I were content with just bread when I was hungry.

Also, props to Smoothie King's Angelfood smoothie for making me feel better and not worse. Purcell, if you read this, I always associate you with the Angelfood flavor.

Watch this space for other interesting information.

a rare book-review

I don't usually do book reviews. I don't like to read them or write them. I might enjoy hearing a friend's opinion of a book, but I'd rather read a book myself and form my own opinion rather than going in with preconceived notions. So it won't hurt my feelings if you don't read the following. But I think...or, rather, I hope that this book can be an important book.

A friend gave me the book Being White: Finding Our Place in a Multiethnic World.  It's by Paula Harris and Doug Schaupp, and published by Intervarsity Press.  (Of course.  ...from what I've heard IV is the only campus ministry that has already been really striving to deal with race stuff in a constructive and effective way [no offense to RUF].

Of course I was immediately interested in the title. While I don't "struggle" with being white, necessarily, it's not really my favorite thing about me. My life pre-integration  (personal integration, not Brown-v.-Board) really has very little to recommend itself, my greatest hurts have been at the hands of white people, the white church provided very little soul balm while I was going through the hardest time of my life. I still love British literature, my white friends, and country music. ...I mean, I'm a white girl. I'm not even like a white-hip-hop girl. I'm just white. But as long as I can keep British literature and my white friends...and maybe country music, I don't mind leaving most of the rest of white culture.

But the people I love the most are "of color." What's most important to them is now most important to me. What happens to them happens to me. Even though I have greater freedom and privilege when I'm by myself, when I am with my family, I bear their burdens with them, and of course, chief of the burdens are racism and oppression.  I am there with my family.

But I also HATE HATE HATE telling black women that my baby is mixed, or that my husband is black.  I know that there are not enough black men to go around and honestly, I got probably the best one.  But I also hate it when I know that people who meet me assume my husband is white. So I'm trying to use color as a descriptor more myself, "oh, is he a white man?" This is in part to fight my own tendency to assume someone is white unless there's hints otherwise. However, even though in my house, (especially when my brother-in-law is over), there are color words like "red, yellow, dark, (and my own personal favorite:) lightskinneded, I don't use those words. I just stick with white and black --even though if I were going to be REALLY good about this, I should also ask if people were Asian or Latino/a.

Sorry I haven't gotten to the book review part. The whole concept of "being white but not with white people" is something I've been half-thinking about for a while now, and this is giving me a good chance to think it out more fully, and hopefully will help me be a better reviewer of the book. Gives me some actual credibility.  Sorry my path to getting there is so torturous.

Another aspect of this that I've been having to think about is when I leave my family and go back just around white people again. ...Frequently, this means I have to be an educator. I dislike this intensely, mostly because my stomach still gets nervous when I have to speak up, but also because people should by now really know better. ...right? This summer I had a conversation/argument/discussion with a sweet, sweet girl who said that the punishment for slavery on America was that all white people were immediately thought of as racist. I didn't even have words to respond.

[Sidenote: it is tremendously fun to write "family" and mean me, my husband, and my baby (and sometimes my brother-in-law).]

So, you see, my life can be really tricky. People I dearly love can say the most terrible things about people whose interests I consider my own, and not even know what they've done, and people who I would rather befriend may consider me worse than a thief, and sometimes when my husband is talking to his brother I can't understand either of them (this partly because they are from New Orleans, but not wholly).  And let's not even get into the complicatedness of beautiful and "good grade" of hair. It's weird to be white in a family of color. I wouldn't want to be in any other family, except maybe Billy and Marian Joseph's...and then only if Roy and Iris could come too, but it can be mentally and emotionally taxing (duh) in ways that people in uni-racial families don't have to worry about.

So. I was really looking forward to seeing what this book had to say about being white in a multiracial world.

Well, this wasn't the book to help me with that. I'll just have to talk to Roy more often for my current white problems. But this is a good book for getting to be where I am, if that doesn't sound too full of hubris. The back of the book says "[the authors] present a Christian model of what it means to be white." In secular terms, though, what the book is really about is learning to be socially conscious, or, as one of my black friends say, being "down." It's an easy and gentle read. I usually read fiction books, so I feel like I should say "spoiler alert!!" before I go on to talk about the content of the book more, but ...I'll try not to be that dorky.  The authors are both white: one is married to a Korean American, one was married to an African and so has mixed kids--now she's married to a Hungarian. But both of them have had significant experience in relationships with other races.

[Confession: I skimmed parts of it that were not new to me.]

They have five "stages" of being white. Really, though, they mean "godly white" or something. Let's calling "down white."  The first is ENCOUNTER, then FRIENDSHIP, then DISPLACEMENT, then WHITE IDENTITY, then the JUST COMMUNITY.  Since I work at a publishers, I can't in good conscience give the meat of the book away, but there were two parts of it that really struck me. One was the displacement stage. By that, they mean consciously becoming part of a group where you-the-white-person are a minority. I've done that, and it is pretty important...it's so weird to be the only white person in the room. (I should put that sentence in past tense, because now it's normal...it's weird to only be with white people now. ) I also got the same feeling from a professor of mine in grad school who studied evangelicals. It definitely made me rethink how often I talked to Roy about studies of black people. It is VERY weird (at least for me as a privileged white person) to think of yourself as something so strange it needs to be studied... welcome to life as an other!   So yes, I think "displacement" or immersion is really important. Even though if all the white people tried to do that, we might run out of places to be the minority.

I think it's in the last section (let me look) ....Just kidding -- it's in the fourth stage, one of the authors lists different types of racism. I'm going to repeat her list--one of them was really good for me to read.  Aware/Overt racism [you're a racist and you know it], More Subtle Racism [the system is racist and you don't know it, Aware/Covert racism [you know it and you try to hid it], Unaware/Covert racism [you are racist but you don't know it], and finally, mine: Unaware/Selfrighteous racism: being a "good white person" who shames people of color and white people both for not being aware enough or culturally observant enough.  This one is so easy for me to get into.

The authors also address white guilt, systemic discrimination, and even get into the definition of racism-- a discussion I had with Roy and some [black] friends just on Sunday. Racism = prejudice + power. They also talk about personal racism and instituational racism.

See, this is why I don't like book reviews...I get lost and don't know what to say.  But, basically, I found it to be helpful. If you are a white person who wants to have more friends of color, you should read it. If you are a person of color who has well-meaning but annoying/offensive white friends, you should give them a copy ...maybe anonymously, so as not to be too pointed? If you're a white person who's ever wondered if you bother your black friends, or if you don't have any, or if you're scared of talking to people from different races about things that matter, you should probably read this book. It will take you-white-person from  the moment of seeing someone who looks different than you to the moment when your life has been changed and you are ready/eager to lose your white privilege or use it to fight for justice for people of color.  (gross. now I'm sounding like an amazon.com review). It doesn't promote white guilt, either. And it's gentle; it has lots of accounts of the authors' own experiences of being racist, so it's not judgy. But it's really truthful. It could easily be a companion volume to Divided by Faith. (it's DEFINITELY much better than United by Faith).

Two other things. It'll annoy reformed people that the husband and wife teams are sometimes co-pastors; it annoyed me exceedingly that they have applying questions in the text, not at the end of the chapters.

I'm going to quit now. Thanks!  Also please note that I wrote this without Roy's input.

grocery list

there is a humongous cat in our yard

all purpose flour
cream cheese (one package)
a lemon
lots of canned beans (kidney, black, + whatever looks good to you)
celery
green peppers (just one or two, really)
fruit
prune juice (or should we just get some prunes)
milk
yogurt - whole milk all natural kind
cereal - including plain shredded wheat
eggs
cheese
brown rice
cookies (?)
canned tomatos (lots)
pasta, angel hair, penne, bowties?
potatoes
chicken broth (low sodiom, no MSG)
frozen vegetables (Especially the fun mixes (more than just peas,
corn, carrots))
confectioners sugar/powdered sugar
any colored sugar you'd like to see on a king cake

I think that's all.

maybe i hallucinated...

but as i was cooking my sausage, i swear i heard spring peepers in the
fizzing of the frying sound.

TV and race

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1948662,00.html

good advice

from my sister: "she's on endorphins. don't judge."

Interesting facts + a story

1) Roy just said that he has never respected Michael Jordan as a
basketball player.

2) Iris put her hand in a bottle. Somehow there was also a crayon in
the bottle. It took us a while to get the bottle off because she
wouldn't let go of the crayon. Somehow there's a punch line in here,
but I'm not sure what it is.

3) Next Thursday I am travelling to NYC with Iris. Our flight leaves
at 6:03 AM. Please pray for us.

Love,
Emily

this looks amazing

anyone want to make it for me?

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/18/dining/183drex.html?em

this is weird and sad

but my miscarriages have both happened on dear friends' birthdays.

Hello, bittersweet.

And, of course, un-incidentally, today was the day I had my d&c for
Beulah, our first lost-baby. I don't think that's the date of the
actual baby-loss, but it's the date I can remember. ...I almost wrote
more, but it seemed to get gratuitously poignant... but we do love all
our children. That is all.

I love this sentence.

"While depression involves heavy burdensome feelings, despair is not
correlated with any particular set of emotions but is instead marked
by a desire to get rid of the self, or put another way, by an
unwillingness to become who you fundamentally are."

This does not mean I endorse anything. I just like the sentence.

from here: http://happydays.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/10/28/kierkegaard-on-the-couch/

FYI

if we win this game, iris is going to church in her MSU outfit.

dee-licious pizza!

yet another post about food.

THis time, though, Kroger has made it, not me. We LOVE Kroger Private
Selection [freezer] Pizzas. They are fancy and good--and smaller than
regular ones. I tried to get a picture online, but I couldn't find
one. Right now, they are two for seven dollars at our I-55 Kroger.
That's how much they cost when we discovered them, and then they went
up to two for ten and we stopped getting them, but for when you need
a lazy meal and don't have to feed a lot of people, I recommend them,
heartily.

The end.

delicious

I wish I had more of my lunch--I made it myself!

It was black-eyed peas, canned tomatoes, a whole onion, butter, salt,
pepper, and lots of Tony Chacheres, simmered for a long time. I also
made some cornbread. It was slightly overdone, but still tasty
crumbled up with my dish.

I'm not sure if that's a dish that already exists--I know I had
something in mind when I made it, but it turned out like nothing I had
ever seen or tasted. It was much better the second day.

/end food brag

But it is REALLY good and I am still hungry for some.

I don't have any words.

Good thing we didn't try to get married in Tangipahoa Parish.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091016/ap_on_re_us/us_interracial_rebuff

Please have words for me.

Happy Iris Birthday

THIS TIME LAST YEAR....you can go to our archives to see what we were doing!

it is really hard to pack with a baby

that is all.

the mailman gave us cookies today

and a change of address form.

Iris walked right up to him-- (i was holding her hand) down the
sidewalk--across the street, and he said hi and gave us cookies. Roy
is eating the rest of them.

I thought this was sweet.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/wayoflife/09/23/truck.chaplain/index.html

so close to our house!

http://www.clarionledger.com/article/20090918/NEWS/90918018/1263/RSS

parenting and the NYT

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html

also, this sounds very familiar...

Sounds scarily like myself...as the junk person.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/13/fashion/13love.html?pagewanted=2&em

thought-provoking

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/13/opinion/13ehrenreich.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

this article says what i've always thought:

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200909/health-care

griefy mcgrief grief

the thing about grief is, it's poignant. it's gorilla-glued to the
human condition. everybody, even if they can't identify with the
actual grief, can recognize it and that they might experience such a
feeling. that's why sad movies work. in the end, it feels like grief
is attractive, almost. <<<<I made this up. I have no data or
sources behind it.>>>>

i am grieving still, and grieving plenty. today I heard of a precious
friend who delivered her baby boy at six and a half months. Babies
don't live when they are born that early. this is also a weighty
grief. i can't even imagine...and i only lost my baby boy four months
or so before she did pregnancy-wise. So if you have some time, tell
God you care about her and her husband.

i have not been grief blogging, even though I often think about it.
mostly, it would just make me too sad, perhaps...or cry too much, and
i have Iris to take care of right now. but I know that I could write
lovely things about my grief, things that would make readers feel the
poignancy of it all, and maybe make them cry. and what I could write
would be beautiful. I would read them and think about how I was such a
good writer, and I would cry all over again. But this grief is
precious to me, because it continues to connect me to my son--and I
don't want to exploit that connection. So you won't hear much about it
here, for sure. And I might not even tell you that much about it to
your face. I don't know...I just... this grief is precious, but it is
for me and my family, not for the world. If I can tell how good Jesus
is, then I might share more to an individual, but otherwise... I don't
know. I will not be making it beautiful for public consumption. That
is all.

That said, because I know people do care about me and want to know how
I am doing: as far as I know, Jesus and Roy are doing a pretty good
job of taking care of me--I seem to, most days, be functioning nicely,
even though there is no telling what will make me grieve. I have never
been counseled for grief, though (even though when I was in therapy,
there was much grieving going on), so if you know more than I do about
grief and are worried for me, please talk to Roy. I __think__ that I
am doing okay. I've certainly never been as good as housekeeper. But
since I spent many years thinking I was awesome when I was, in fact, a
terrible terrible terrible unstable MESS, I am very cautious about
making self assessments. /self focus

How are you doing? What's going on in your life? Roy loves his job.
Iris is growing. We are moving, soon. MSU football is tomorrow!
Hurray!

this is what i married into

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/27/fashion/27SKIN.html?pagewanted=1&em

twitter

twitter can be so annoying.

i'm not sure it's worthwhile to be on, except for the MSU beat
reporter and the fun sports people. Maybe I should just unfollow some
folks.

that's all.

I'm now a twitterer

and I think Roy might be jumping on that train pretty soon.

It's kinda fun, but also annoying. I don't feel like I'm really cool
enough to be a twitterer, and I can't imagine being interesting enough
that some of the people who follow me will really benefit. I know
that some twitterers are businesses trying to establish relationships,
etc., but am I really going to say something that will benefit
Marshall Ramsey (who actually tweets so much that I'm about to stop
following him, I think)?

I mostly started on twitter so I could follow the Mississippi State
beat reporter (@kyleveazey, if you're interested), and then I found
other interesting people, starting with sports people (i'm following
shaq, chris paul, and michael strahan, and terrell owens), and then
some reformed folks/RUF folks, and some friends.

But there's so much _posturing_ in it--when people repeat nice things
other people have said about them, etc., etc., that I get really
annoyed, too. So, we'll see. I might stop following John Piper.

Anyway, I initially planned on merely following and not "tweeting" at
all, but now I do from time to time. But I try to only say things that
are interesting or beautiful.

So there.

If you are a twitterer and would like to follow me, I'm emilyjanehubb.

(I hate all their madeup language, with the @s and the RT and the #)...

FYI

Thank you so much for caring about me. I appreciate it. In the future,
please refer to miscarriage as a loss, not a difficulty.
Yours truly,
Emily

your brain and rats and stress

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/18/science/18angier.html?em

grief grief grief

today v. yesterday

Yesterday I was a pretty good housewife--I made breakfast and lunch
for my husband, found all the stuff he'd lost and could n't leave for
work without, I folded AND putaway clothes, had food ready for my
husband when he got home, rubbed his tired feet, took our kid for a
walk so he could get a good rest...

Today, while still early, I prayed before Iris ate breakfast, and told
her that Jesus loves her. I didn't do anything to help Roy.

(I also took nyquil last night).

The end.

in the midst of sorrow, growth

man, that title sounds cheesy--

and the growth is Iris's, not mine.

Yesterday, she took two (non consecutive) tiny steps!
We are not hurrying her to walk, but it was pretty exciting.

Also, I think she has realized that we cant MAKE her go to sleep.
Snuggling with her doesn't do any good, nor does giving her her
favorite blanket, or a stuffed animal, or a pacifier. I'm sure this is
all a good developmental thing, but it's definitely making life a lil
bit more difficult right this second. Momma could use more sleep
herself!

We are making it. God is good. Our friends are sweet. Our living child
is precious.

Keep in touch.

sad news

well, when i went to the doctor on friday for our second ultrasound,
there wasn't a heartbeat.

second verse, same as the first

I'm really sad. and we told a lot of people about this baby because we
(especially me) were SO excited...so there's a lot of untelling. so
please, make sure everyone you know that knows us knows we had a
miscarriage. i'm not sure which one is worse, being asked how the
baby is doing or hearing other people's sad baby stories, when you
only want to grieve for your own, but please please please make sure
people know. it's weird, because this is a deeply personal thing...i'm
still carrying my child whose heart isn't beating, but I want everyone
to know. and they can pray, too. So I don't mind people knowing, but
I'd probably rather just have a hug than any words of comfort. we've
already done this before...i know the drill...but I don't mind knowing
that you care about us. Roy is a very good comforter--not as good as
Jesus, but pretty good. :)

We'll still take flowers and/or casseroles. And we do have a beautiful
little girl to snuggle and hug tight. and God is good to us. and I
like my new doctor, still.

This grief is different...it's a familiar grief, not a strange one,
and it's tempered by Iris's presence and her daily needs. You can't
just be sad all day and mope when you have to feed and clothe and play
and supervise a precious baby, who will lean in for a kiss if you say
"Iris, give me a kiss!" But at the same time, I'm not sure how to
grieve as good as I did with Beulah.

But my doctor is ...gracious is the word that comes to mind, even
though I'm not sure how that fits. He didn't pressure for a d&c at
all, though if my body doesn't cooperate, who knows what will
happen... so I have time and space to grieve and wait, and still hold
little Reuben (this one I decided is a boy, and Roy named him) with
me.

So pray for us, please, that we would both have grace to be good
parents to Iris and to support each other, and PLEASE tell people,
anyone at all that might know us. And I think some visits would be
okay...I'm just not sure.

Sorry this is a little / a lot distracted...I've been dreading writing this.

Thank you.

i really liked this article.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html

shoes I'm throwing out

a riveting post, I assure you.
Today is my first "stay at home mom day" (man, I hate that term so
much!)...Iris finally decided to take a nap (hurray!) and so before I
did something very vegge-out-like, I decided I would be a little
productive...so I put my flylady hat on, set a timer for 15 minutes,
and went through my drawers and my shoe bungalow.

I think I'll be able to live with the clothes I'm giving away, but
some of my shoes, even though I never wear them, ever, or they are so
old I am not stable in them, I'm still very sad to be throwing out.
So...I'm makin' a list:

1) My prom shoes from 11th grade. They are thick and clunky thong
platforms, Steve Maddens, red sole and straps, and black with red
asian pattern on the sides. I wore them with Mom's yellow prom dress.

2) The running shoes I got from the Lodge in Starkville when I was a
sophomore. They only cost $20, I think, and I was very proud of them.
They were mostly grey Reeboks, and sometimes my feet fell asleep in
them.

3) My pink flats with the flowers on the toe. These were some of the
first "cute" shoes I picked out without my sisters, and I was (again!)
very proud of their purchase. I've worn them so much my feet kinda
slide around in them, which now that I'm carrying babies all the time
isn't very safe.

4) My Merrell sandals. Carroll called them my "athletic grandma"
shoes, and when I was in my walking phase my senior year of college, I
wore them ALL the time, walking to class, social events, etc. One of
the shoes--I think it was the left one, got ravaged by John Wiggins'
dog Chaco, but I wore them anyway. "Ravaged" is a bit strong...maybe
"damaged" is better.

5) My blue "Slickrock" Clark's shoes I bought when I was a freshman. I
wore those shoes everywhere, too. I ordered them from Zappos, and I
still remember how excited I was when we got to 525 (I think it was
after tutoring at Brickfire), and I could see the box on the steps of
my apartment. And I wore them to RUF that night, but decided that I
needed a bigger size, so I sent them back, even though I'd worn them
once. I wanted to have a pair of Clarks, but now be like everyone else
and get Wallabys.

6) My peacock blue Crocs that Roy got me last year for my birthday. I
wore them constantly--they were great pregnant shoes. I walked all
over New York in them and didn't get any blisters, and that was right
after we'd gotten them. But then we wore them so much I wore the tread
off them and slipped while I was pretty pregnant with Iris. I didn't
land on her, but I have a scar on my ankle from making sure I didn't.

7) My tan Mary Jane wedges I bought from Walmart...mmmm...maybe when I
was a sophomore? They were the first pair of "cute" shoes I ever just
wore around--of course, I didn't start doing that until my senior
year. They were a copy of I think Steve Madden shoes, and I thought
they were really cool. My feet have grown too much from being
pregnant, so I don't think they'll be comfortable again--and they are
wedges and I definitely prefer flats these days. But I wore them a lot
and liked them.

Okay. The end. Thank you for indulging my sense of nostalgia---I get
terribly attached to my things and sometimes the only way I can bring
myself to throw them out is to make sure I'll remember them.

Time is filled with swift transition...

We sing this song at church a good deal, and it pretty aptly sums up
what's going on with our lives.

Time is filled with swift transition,
Naught of earth unmoved can stand,
Build your hopes on things eternal,
Hold to God's unchanging hand.

Refrain:
Hold to God's unchanging hand,
Hold to God's unchanging hand;
Build your hopes on things eternal,
Hold to God's unchanging hand.

Trust in Him who will not leave you,
Whatsoever years may bring,
If by earthly friends forsaken
Still more closely to Him cling.

Covet not this world's vain riches
That so rapidly decay,
Seek to gain the heav'nly treasures,
They will never pass away.

When your journey is completed,
If to God you have been true,
Fair and bright the home in glory
Your enraptured soul will view.

--Jennie Wilson
-----

It seems like this whole year has been full of the promise of change,
but none of it has been the change I hoped. Well, only a couple
things.

I think you all know most of the saga of Roy's search for
employment--how RUF at Tougaloo didn't work out, and so we visited
churches, with several seeming VERY interested in us, but ultimately,
none of them hired us. And so we decided that God must want us in
Jackson, and Roy went to look for teaching jobs in the public school
system here. His certification was out of date, so none of the schools
were as interested as they should be in such an awesome teacher. [:)]
We were interested in the Jackson public schools for a couple
reasons--we wanted to be working where we lived, we are pro-Christians
serving in the public schools (and sending their kids there!), and
the pay was good...not compared to other states, but compared to our
current situation. And state benefits are decent. But none of the
schools wanted to hire Roy. We had gotten to the point of saying "If
you don't have a job by September, maybe we should look for church
jobs again." I think the next day, Roy got a call from a private
school in Clinton. The call was on a Monday, interview was on a
Tuesday, he accepted the job on a Wednesday, and he starts next
Tuesday. It is not the same financially as JPS would have been were
Roy to be hired there, and definitely provides fewer benefits, but it
is a JOB!! and we are very thankful for it. (Take note that benefits
are important--this will be explained later.)

For Roy, this means that he will get to stop keeping Iris and start
going to work. For me, this means I am now working 15 hours a week at
the job that I love (most of the time), and have to find a sitter
(even though, really, there's no reason that sitter-finding is solely
my job, especially because I am not good at it) for when I am working,
and I'll be at home, keeping Iris, for most of my time. I am also
losing my benefits, and getting paid enough (not counting what taxes
will take out) just enough to pay for COBRA health insurance coverage.
And that's NOT counting paying the babysitter. [If anyone wants to
keep Iris for free a couple days a week, let me know. She's sweet and
fun, and when she smiles, she's radiant!] While I am so glad that Roy
has a real job and a real paycheck, I'm a little stressed about how it
will all work out.

Roy will also be doing a little bit of RUF stuff with Tougaloo/JSU and
teaching a Bible class for Belhaven's adult education program.

Now, about why benefits are important--we're having another baby! This
doesn't help with the stress...but we are really glad and excited.
Little Jo-Lo should be born when Iris is about 17 months old--March
sometime (I know that was your first thought--don't even try to lie!)
and as fast as Iris is growing up, I think it'll be okay. But that's
why having benefits--and keeping me insured, is very important. If my
insurance lapses, from what I understand, the pregnancy will be
declared a pre-existing condition, and wouldn't be covered. I also
switched doctors so I can try to not have a c-section this time...his
practice is much smaller than where I was before, and I already feel
happier about having to go to the doctor all the time again. By the
time Iris was born, I was so sick of the doctor's office, I could
barely stand it. I also got my medical records from the doctor's
office and was very sad to see that there wasn't very much information
about Iris's birth--maybe I need to get that from the hospital? I was
really curious to see what had happened, since I don't really remember
that much. But we are excited about God's blessing us with this newest
little one. I get to go to the doctor next Friday to get another
sonogram--the first one disagreed with my dates by about two weeks, so
the doctor wanted to get another look.

So, that's what's up with us Hubbards...Roy is going to be teaching
math to 7th, 8th, and 9th graders at Clinton Christian Academy, and me
and Iris are going to be hanging out most of the week...I'll be
working a little bit and growing a baby as well. A lot of change, all
at once, and none of it exactly like I anticipated... Time is filled
with swift transition, indeed! I better be reaching out to God's
unchanging hand, huh?

Also, come to think of it, Iris and I, and to a lesser extent Roy, are
sick--Iris with an ear infection (doctor diagnosed) and me with a
sinus infection (self diagnosed)...Iris has antibiotics, and I'm
drinking hot Tang and being grumpy (apparently a symptom associated
with being pregnant...I've been very internally grumpy at work, so it
seems fortuitous that I get to take a break now).

So, what's happening with y'all?

We might get to get a kitten after all, too and might not have to move
from the church house--but I'm too tired to explain all that.

So, that's all.

Love,
Emily

a letter

Dear Fatigue--

How long are you planning on staying with me? I'm tired of you.

Love,
Emily, your constant companion.

could you do it?

living without airconditioning...I'm not sure I could do it:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/23/garden/23air.html?pagewanted=1&ref=style

more healthcare

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/26/weekinreview/26leonhardt.html?hpw

more thoughts on healthcare

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/19/magazine/19healthcare-t.html?pagewanted=1&em

a quote: >>>
One final comment. It is common for opponents of health care rationing
to point to Canada and Britain as examples of where we might end up if
we get "socialized medicine." On a blog on Fox News earlier this year,
the conservative writer John Lott wrote, "Americans should ask
Canadians and Brits — people who have long suffered from rationing —
how happy they are with central government decisions on eliminating
'unnecessary' health care." There is no particular reason that the
United States should copy the British or Canadian forms of universal
coverage, rather than one of the different arrangements that have
developed in other industrialized nations, some of which may be
better. But as it happens, last year the Gallup organization did ask
Canadians and Brits, and people in many different countries, if they
have confidence in "health care or medical systems" in their country.
In Canada, 73 percent answered this question affirmatively.
Coincidentally, an identical percentage of Britons gave the same
answer. In the United States, despite spending much more, per person,
on health care, the figure was only 56 percent. <<<

oh snap!

http://bradley.chattablogs.com/archives/2009/07/is-the-presbyte.html

places i want to go before i die

The Lakes District
some pacific island
peru
scotland
colorado
portugal
africa somewhere
the caribbean
australia
I would like to travel a lot. we'll just drop our children off with
you and go for a jaunt!

so it's jim wallis...i'm still intrigued.

http://blog.sojo.net/2009/06/24/jon-stewart-and-mike-huckabee-on-abortion/

i really love making stuff

databases
meals
subject lists
mix cds
bread
babies (ha! laugh!)
friends
conversations
cards (especially when i get to use scissors and tape)
when i was little i used to love to sew, even though it was really pretend sewing

on the flip side,
i also love reading, eating, and facebook.

i'm really interested in health care right now:

http://www.time.com/time/politics/article/0,8599,1905340-1,00.html

i want this book a lot.

http://byfaithonline.com/page/in-the-church/seeing-women-through-gods-eyes

I like this article.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/14/opinion/14ehrenreich.html?pagewanted=1

i want to play balderdash

who's with me? i can't remember if we own that game, but I think we
do. it might be my favorite board game, not counting scrabble, which
has sentimental associations which make it unrankable (yarnroon).

game night, our house, pending roy's approval, tbd?

so sad that this is a need being met

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/06/04/cnnheroes.betty.makoni/index.html?eref=time_world

i didn't know this existed! crazy!

Burning town

http://www.pennlive.com/midstate/index.ssf/2009/06/even_fewer_residents_remain_in.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centralia,_PA

Jackson.......4 lyfe???? ( a really long post )

Well, friends, it seems like God wants us to stay in Jackson. The
church we were (me especially) really interested in decided not to
hire us, and Tougaloo has opened its doors to RUF. Long story short,
we're staying. Short story long, RUF at Tougaloo as an entity doesn't
exist anymore, and given these "troubling economic times," and the
slowness of committees, won't for at least a year.

This means Roy will have to find another job, most likely teaching
somewhere. I am working full time for the summer (if you ever want to
keep Iris and give Roy a break, let us know!). Also, we have to move
in July so the church can have their internship back. None of this
was remotely in my plans. Hurray. But I guess God knows better than us
what we need. Also, I am usually against people leaving Mississippi
when there's so much work to be done here...but I was very ready to
make excuses for us. [I think Iris might be having a BM...she looks
VERY serious.] So I guess I'll just have to practice what I
preach.....but man, there's still a lot of disappointment.

To compensate, I'm trying to have the best summer ever. My plans
include a lot of socializing. (If you don't have kids or medical
problems, please come to our house...it's so much easier!) I'm also
planning on learning to cook like a Louisianian by cooking through the
books "You are Where You Eat" and "New Orleans Cuisine" (both
published by my employer). I would also like to watch a lot of sports
with Roy. And put a brick on Iris's head to stop her from growing! And
making a wonderful summer soundtrack.

She can now cruise a little bit--definitely all around her crib. Her
eating Cheerios is the cutest thing I've ever seen. She's so serious
about it...and still has a little bit of problem picking them up. Also
she is "scooting" with an occasional real crawl. Her hair is getting
even longer. Basically, you just need to come her to know what's going
on...it seems like major changes keep happening every week.
Unbelievable.

On the food note, I'm going to brag a little bit. I don't really like
it when people say what they ate or cooked. It either makes me feel
inferior OR hungry and sometimes both. However, when Roy affirms
something by saying "This tastes like it does in New Orleans!" it
makes me feel so happy I have to share. When I went to Kroger, I
bought a super-long loaf of "poor boy" bread (that's what it was
labeled). Also a lil andouille, though I'm sorry to say that it was the
Johnsonville kind instead of a local kind because all the regional
ones had MSG in them. And so I thought I'd make him a sausage po' boy.
THEN, I remembered that we had some frozen fried shrimp, so I cooked
those. And then I remembered reading about a remoulade sauce in "New
Orleans Cuisine" that seemed easy to make, so I whipped that up.
(mayo, ketchup, mustard, worcestershire sauce + tabasco). We didn't
have lettuce or tomatoes, so I skipped that part, but I did add some
cheese. I toasted the bread...he really liked it. I felt so cool.

Also, I think Iris, given how much she likes cheerios, might be ready
for more finger foods. Do you just give regular food cooked for a LONG
time and cut up...not too small, but small? I am such a total amateur
at this baby feeding business. I have decided not to feel bad about
buying baby food if I want to...especially this summer if I'm working
so much. I'm pretty sure I'll want to be spending time with my baby,
not just cooking for her. We'll see.

And now to the music. Roy recently got me an Othar Turner cd. It's
fife and drum blues, from the Mississippi Delta. Almost no one plays
this kinda music anymore. The CD he got me, whose name I don't
remember, is basically the soundtrack from a picnic. It's freaking
amazing. Iris and I both love it. Roy, my sister, and my mom don't.
Their loss.

So, maybe I'll pick a day of the week to cook my food and you, dear
reader, can come over and be my guinea pigs. (pending Roy's approval).
You can play with Iris and visit and help me be glad God's stuck us in
Jackson.

The End.

[p.s. bowels definitely moved....]

hope deferred makes the heart sick

but desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

Iris can pull up on the crib now. She's so big that she can have her
whole head over the rail. And yes, the mattress is as low as it can
go. How is my baby as big as a toddler?

The end.

goal: blog more, facebook less

I am really bad at being patient.

much more fun than dick cheney:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090418/ap_on_fe_st/odd_head_shot_survivor

i *do not* like political discussions or arguments

But i can't believe that Dick Cheney is saying that torture is okay,
because "look at the good information we got!" Holy crap.

accidental snipe-age

Some one asked me If I was a fulltime mother.

I said "yes, and I work 30 hours a week."

April showers?

May flowers? that's me...I used to be so excited about my birthday
coming, but now I'm too tired. But it is, in fact, less than a month
until my 25th birthday. God has kept me.

My work laid someone off from our staff of around 18 today. They laid
off someone who'd been working there for twenty years. It's kinda
bizarre. I don't even know what to say.

Aptly, I saw white things floating down from the sky when I went home
for baby-feeding...it looked like a special effect in a movie or
something. As they got closer, I could see that they were little downy
feathers--later I could see some longer, grey ones. When I left the
house to go back to work, there was this odd electrical burning smell.
At first I thought that maybe something...a bigger bird, I guess, was
eating the bird whose feathers were falling (it looked like a
mockingbird, maybe), but now I'm wondering if it was a stupid young
bird who somehow fried him/herself on a power line. Feel free to use
this in your next novel. I know I will!

We now have a 21 pound six month old. She's eating solids, and I've
found that I really enjoy making babyfood. It's really fun, grinding
things up! She's had sweet potatoes, carrots, and tastes of pineapple,
apple, and banana. The apple she actually pulled out of my hand and
started gumming, so I gave her a piece in the little mesh bag thing to
chew on, so she couldn't get anything to choke on. As I was doing
this, I realized I'm not exactly sure what to do if she was choking,
besides hit her really hard in the back. Yikes! Maybe Roy knows. We
are also planning on weaning her from momma's milk soon... I keep
putting it off because I'm really grossed out by formula, but it's
time. Our life is about to have too much upheaval to be pumping all
the time. I'm already not making as much milk, so hopefully it will
be a smooth transition...but I think it might be harder on me than it
is on her. We haven't tried giving her formula yet, though, so I hope
she does take it. When do babies not need bottles? She also has a
lil ear infection, probably caused by a plane ride to a city in New
England. But we're giving her medicine and hopefully she'll get well
soon--and not wake up in the night screaming and clutching her ear!
It's kinda scary how often my hopes for her health and well being are
ultimately for mine--I want her to sleep through the night mostly
because I want to sleep through the night, not because she needs her
sleep. We are still very unscheduled, but she doesn't seem to mind, so
far. It's so hard to tell because baby things always change. When she
was right at six months, she was having sleep interruptions--my
favorite answer was because she was growing and needed more food. Then
we traveled and she got sick, and we're about to travel again! so,
poor baby, I don't know when we'll get back to normal...by that time
it'll almost be seven months normal, not six months. It's getting so
joyful to have a kid, now...she smiles when she sees me and reaches
out for me! And I love snuggle time with her...depending on which
method you are dogmatic about, I'm probably spoiling her, but I love
it. Sorry.

Um...coming up we have some big final decisions to make about where we
live for the rest of our lives...hopefully. I think Roy said by the
end of april, we would know where we are going. At that point, I will
probably make a blog with the title "[chosen location] 4 lyfe!" I'm
debating about whether I should use a "f" or a "ph" LYPHE! Anyway, I
am cautiously excited about the direction it seems we are heading. I
know that whereever we end up, Roy will be preaching the gospel and
I'll get to help him, serve others, and have babies and make
bread...and hopefully not go crazy. And maybe have a little job
outside the home.

Okay. I'm going to go now. Have a nice night!

amen!

http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1888985,00.html

i should probably be doing like six other things

But I'm listening to Iris make up her mind to go to bed. It's more a
moan than a cry.... so far.

Turning into a cry...ooh! I hear Roy getting up to investigate. Hurray.

We went to Renaissance today, me 'n' Iris. The shopping center place.
I struggled to take apart her stroller and put it back together (maybe
we should have read that pdf of the manual Ets sent us). But I put her
in it and we strolled around. Went to all my favorite catalog stores,
and got lots of good stuff--I think all of it was on sale. I really
enjoyed myself. It's much nicer to shop with someone, even if they
can't really talk. Too bad I couldn't get fashion advice from her.
Initially, I've been against that shopping place...since it's just
more urban sprawl, more moving tax dollars away from the place that
needs it the most, and it's so consumeristic. But since I've gone
there, I have to admit, the outdoor classical music and the fountains
were pretty enjoyable and calming. It was fun to tootle around the
place with Iris. Even though it did make me a bit unhappy with my lot
in life when I went into the store and could only look at the sale
racks. But it was so very pleasant.

Sometimes I forget that I can get out of the house--even take Iris
with me to places. It was so good to get away...and fun to have her
along. I did get lost, but that's another story.

I went shopping because, ahem, we're going to boston this weekend!!!!
and I wanted to have clothes to wear. I got a tank top (green) from
Jcrew and a sweatery-cardigan thingy also from there, and a grown up
t-shirt from jjill, and some more long sleeve t-shirts and leggings
from Target. Pretty sweet additions to my wardrobe.

I also got a highchair at target! Hurray! now it can be normal to feed
Iris grown-up food, instead of having to prop up her bouncy seat. and
blank onesies. Nothing is on them.

Okay. It's probably time for me to be diligent. But I just wanted to
say, "I had a good night."

babies.............

1) i hope that iris's nighttime waking (two in a row, folks!) is a
growth spurt and not a habit.
2) looking at other people's newborns on facebook makes me want to
have another one. soon. am i crazy?

This is kinda fun!

Subject: Announcing the Free Book Stimulus Plan

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
March 27, 2009

Contact:
Wanda Jewell, Executive Director
Southern Independent Booksellers Alliance
3806 Yale Avenue
Columbia, SC 29205
803.779.0118
wanda@sibaweb.com

Announcing FreeBookStimulusPlan.com
Increase Your Karmic Footprint

Wanda Jewell has a problem. After serving nearly 20 years as Executive Director of the Southern Independent Booksellers Alliance (SIBA) she is overrun with books. All kind of books; finished copies and galleys, advance reading copies, advance reader editions, paperback and hardbound, slip-covered and not, limited editions, signed and unsigned, personalized and not. Books here, books there, books, books, everywhere…and each publishing season brings more. It was while she was contemplating the management of her extensive personal library, (with the television news on in the background) that Wanda had her “Aha!” moment: How to weed her collection and support her southern indie bookstores at the same time? In a flash of Obama-induced inspiration, Wanda created her own Free Book Stimulus Plan.

Books can be purchased anywhere. So why shop at indie bookstores? Because buying a book at your local indie bookstore doesn’t just stimulate your reading, it stimulates your local economy. Shopping local is an investment in your own neighborhood and good karma all around. And because you can get a free book!

Hoping to stimulate sales at indie bookstores, Wanda is dismantling her personal library and offering it to shoppers one free book at a time. Beginning April 2nd, readers who purchase a book at a SIBA-member indie store and send her a copy of the receipt will receive book from her collection completely free of charge. Visit FreeBookStimulusPlan.com for details and a list of participating bookstores. Print out the request form on the site and mail it in with a copy of your store receipt (the receipt must include the name of the store). That is all you have to do to get a free book from Wanda’s personal library.

This offer is open only to consumers living in the contiguous United States. Completed form with receipt must be mailed to Free Book, 3806 Yale Ave., Columbia, SC 29205 and only while supplies last. Consider this a challenge to deplete Wanda’s library – she doubts it can be done!

Here is all that Wanda asks in return. Visit FreeBookStimulusPlan.com; Pass it on. Post to blog. Pay it forward. Print to press. Play the 411. Shout it out. Share the news. Spread the word. Soapbox it up. Tweet & Retweet. Facebook & Myspace. Get the word out. Free Book for Shopping Southern Indie Bookstores! Increase your karmic footprint!

 

 

i'd buy it....would you?

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/03/26/uk.village.sale/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

good word:

Word of the Day for Tuesday, March 24, 2009

thaumaturgy \THAW-muh-tuhr-jee\, noun:

The performance of miracles or magic.

Of course, none of these improbable meetings ever took place in
reality. But within the realm of showbiz thaumaturgy, they're
perfectly acceptable examples of latter-day digital compositing,
wherein it's possible to have anything share a frame of film or video
with practically anything else.
-- John Voland, "Prez presses tech buttons", Variety, July 21, 1997

There was ever a cautious hesitancy on the part of the clergy to
recognize evidence of thaumaturgy, and the superstitious use of
relics.
-- John Mcgurk, "Devoted People: Belief and Religion in Early
Modern Ireland", Contemporary Review, September 1998

Thaumaturgy comes from the Greek words for "wonder" (thauma) and
"work" (ergon). A practitioner of thaumaturgy is a thaumaturgist or
thaumaturge.

Dictionary.com Entry and Pronunciation for thaumatur

rats.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/03/23/healthmag.red.meat.lifespan/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

worth blogging about

iris reached out in preference to me for the very first time. super
sweet, even though i forsee this means more cryin baby time.

a kinda of blog...

Really, I thought of all of these like they were facebook stati, but
couldn't bring myself to change it that often.

1) I love being creative in the kitchen
2) Man, I can't stop eating andouille!
3) Sometimes I confuse "chunky" with "larger than bite size"
4) I hope my chicken-tomato-eggplant-mirliton-onion-garlic-white
corn-andouille-and maybe barley soup (or stew, as it may turn out to
be) is good.
5) I must be really out of shape or pretty sick, because I am TIRED
after standing up for so long cooking.
6) Tomorrow is my and Roy's second anniversary. Hurray!

why don't Christian's celebrate purim? it looks like fun!

March 9-11 - Purim (Judaism)

Purim commemorates the story of Esther, who saved Persian Jews from
extermination. A day for eating, drinking and being merry, Purim also
features hamentaschen, triangular cookies that resemble the hat of
Haman, Esther's nemesis.

grocery purchases

lemon juice
cereal (muesli and frosted miniwheats, kroger brand)
chocolate covered granola bars
soup, various kinds of chicken, healthy choice
community coffee (dark roast with chicory)
yogurt
half and half
creamer, french vanilla
orange&pineapple juice, half gallon
orange juice, gallon
milk
beef, some fancy organic cut (managers special)
fish, ditto
fresca, 12 pack
bananas
jimmy dean croissanwhiches
freezer pizza, two
chicken breasts
pork loin
turkey sandwich meat
andouille sausage
bag salad
egg plant
chayote (other wise known as mirliton or something like that)
corn chips
popcorn
ginger snaps (kroger brand) *not very good
bread
baby food (carrots)
flour tortillas

we'll see what happens.

we might be the worst parents ever

well, maybe just in the top ten...

but anyways, I was going through our laundry basket, preparatory to
washing clothes for this weekend (more on that later) and we found TWO
bottles! one moldy, one not. IN OUR LAUNDRY BASKET. I'm not sure how
they got there OR how long they've been there. But frankly, I'm a
little grossed out. Don't tell Iris. I don't think I'll be using the
moldy bottle again.

This weekend, we are visiting a church in Alabama. We have a couple
more churches lined up to visit. I'm not actually sure how discreet
one's supposed to be about the whole preacher-job-finding experience,
but I have to say, it's kinda like dating multiple people at
once...weird. almost like the bachelor. ..."these churches are all
amazing! how can i choose when i have feelings for all of them?"

And we have to travel to get there. Travelling makes me so nervous,
even though every time we have travelled, it's been fine. But
travelling with a baby and a pumping mommy makes everything more
complicated. I don't want to get into too much detail, but interesting
things are going to be happening on the interstate.

On giving up TV for Lent. I actually picked it because I thought it
wouldn't be too hard to do. Is that terrible? I haven't ever been a TV
watcher til I was pregnant with Iris, and didn't do as much night
church stuff. So, though I'll miss knowing whom the bachelor picks,
I'll probabbly just look it up online after the show.

IRis, by the way, is hitting some nice milestones. She can roll over
now, though not from her right side, and roll back. she can pull her
bottom lip in. She'll be FIVE calendar months tomorrow. (Shout out to
her Aunt Juli, who'll be more months than that...also Trey). She has
crawled a tiny bit. Being on her stomach seems to make her spit up a
lil bit more, so we'll have to wait for that to work itself out before
she's a really comfortable tummy girl. She smiles at me every morning
when I go to see why she's making all that noise. She likes toys. She
takes baths in the tub now, something I was deathly afraid of until I
realized that I could lay her down as long as I didn't put too much
water in the tub. She likes it a lot better now, too, and loves her
bath toys, though it's mostly to chew on. but she kicks and splashes a
little more now. I'm still waiting on her sitting up by herself, but
she's so chunky, all the milestones that require muscle development
take a little more patience. She would like to sit up, though. Also,
we are probably going to see if she likes orange vegetables next week.
I'm still nervous about that...for some of these apparently basic
parenting skills, my imagination fails me and I need step by step very
literal and complete instructions. She's been having rice cereal in
her bottle for breakfast (with the concomitant stinkier poo), but
spoons and real food will be an adventure.

I think I might have overloaded the washer...i should go check on it.
and also be diligent...only 2.5 hours until we're supposed to leave!

too-high c-section rates or not, i'm so glad i live the US

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/24/health/24hospital.html?pagewanted=1&8dpc&_r=1

i'm a little sad about this

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/23/forgotten.veterans/index.html

our government has commited so many injustices.

thoughtful

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/02/20/dyson.holder/index.html

read this...

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1880451,00.html

and then don't ask me to join any more facebook groups about it. please.

love,
Emily

I Love Joaquin Phoenix and David Letterman For Making This Happen

http://www.cbs.com/late_show/video/video.php?cid=446418043&pid=TOnYWLFIAq4k8vA0Me2lpEWu5ovWrJzB&play=true&cc=1

Thanks Will for telling me about Letterman's interview with Joaquin Phoenix.  I've re-watched it over and over and have just been continuing to study it while laughing hysterically.  What are y'all's thoughts?

I Wish This Wasn't Criminal Activity...

http://www.kxan.com/dpp/news/Road_signs_warn_of_zombies

also

EMily is so freaking tired of washing bottles.

little bits

Emily is sick of washing bottles.

Iris is huge.

Emily doesn't have an infection or anemia.

Iris is making unhappy noises...

Fwd: [ACTS-TALK] Scandinavia: Success without God?

this is thought-provoking.

from a Christian Sociology listserv I follow:

Thursday, January 15, 2009 (ALC) - During the years 2005 and 2006,
American sociologist Phil Zuckerman spent fourteen months in Denmark
and Sweden to study these two societies. According to Zuckerman, Danes
and Swedes are among the most contented and generous people on the
planet. But that's not all that Zuckerman has to report about these
two nations. Remarkably, he notes, two of the most prosperous
societies in the world are also two of the least religious.

Youngstown, Ohio, U.S.A., Tom Shipka, WYSU-FM 88.5 MHZ, Fine Arts
Radio Station for Youngstown State University and the Mahoning Valley
Community www.wysu.org January 14, 2009

During the years 2005 and 2006, American sociologist Phil Zuckerman
spent fourteen months in Denmark and Sweden to study these two
societies. In a recent book, he reports these findings: (1)

Denmark and Sweden have among the lowest rates of violent crime in the
world. (pp. 28-29) (2)
Denmark and Sweden have the lowest rates of HIV and AIDS in the world. (p. 27)
Sweden is third and Denmark is fifth in the world in economic
competitiveness. (p. 27)
On gender equality, Denmark is second and Sweden is third in the world. (p. 27)
On access to the Internet, Sweden is third and Denmark is fourth in
the world. (p. 28)
Denmark and Sweden are tied for the lowest infant mortality rates in
the world with Norway, Iceland, Japan, and Singapore. (p. 26)
Denmark and Sweden are tied for first place with the Netherlands in
the health and safety of children. (p. 26)
Denmark ranks fourth and Sweden ranks eighth in the world in the
standard of living. (p. 27)
Political corruption is virtually non-existent in Denmark and Sweden. (p. 28)
Denmark and Sweden are tied for first in the world in a recent
international study of social justice (p. 30) (3), and
Denmark ranks second and Sweden ranks third in the world in financial
aid to poor nations. (p. 29)

Thus, according to Zuckerman, Danes and Swedes are among the most
contented and generous people on the planet. But that's not all that
Zuckerman has to report about these two nations. Remarkably, he notes,
two of the most prosperous societies in the world are also two of the
least religious. (4) Indeed, a huge majority in both countries are
atheists or agnostics. Only 24% of Danes and 16% of Swedes believe in
a personal God compared to more than 90% in the United States. (p. 24)
Only 18% of Danes and 33% of Swedes believe in heaven compared to 80%
of Americans. Only 10% of Danes and Swedes believe in hell compared to
75% of Americans. (p. 11, pp. 24-25) This is the lowest rate of belief
in hell in the entire world! (p. 25) Next, only 7% of Danes and 3% of
Swedes believe that the Bible is the literal word of God compared to
33% in the United States. (p. 25) Further, Danes and Swedes have the
lowest church attendance in the world with only 3% of Danes and 7% of
Swedes attending regularly. (p. 25, p. 162) (5) Also, only 8% of Danes
and 15% of Swedes consider it important for a politician to believe in
God compared to 64% of Americans who do (p. 12), and contrary to
public and private practice in America, very few Danes and Swedes
pray. (p. 2) Finally, more than 80% of Danes and Swedes accept
evolution while less than half our population does. (p. 10) (6)

Professor Zuckerman sees an important lesson for us in his study of
Denmark and Sweden. Contrary to what we've heard from "certain
outspoken conservative Christians" (7), the sociologist suggests, a
secular society need not be a scene of violence and depravity. (p. 4,
pp. 17-18) Denmark and Sweden, he says, are not only "impressive
models of societal health" (p. 17) but living proof that humans can
survive and prosper without religion. (pp. 55-56) (8)

1. Zuckerman reports his findings in Society without God: What
the Least Religious Nations Can Tell Us About Contentment, New York
University Press, 2008. All references hereinafter are to page numbers
of this book.

2. For instance, in Aarhus, Denmark, a city of 250,000
residents, there was a total of one murder in 2004. (p. 6)

3. This study was done by a German group of social scientists
associated with an institute called Hans-Bocker Stiftung. (p. 30)
Denmark and Sweden are not without problems, however. Taxes are high,
there is social friction due to recent waves of immigration, children
eat too much candy, rates of bicycle thefts are high, fertility rates
are low, and alcohol consumption is high. (p. 34)

4. Other irreligious societies are the Netherlands, the Czech
Republic, South Korea, Estonia, France, Japan, Bulgaria, Norway,
England, Scotland, Wales, Hungary, and Belgium. (p. 25) Zuckerman
points out that in all of these relatively secular societies the
citizens freely gravitated from a religious to an irreligious
perspective unlike North Korea, the former Soviet Union, China, and
Albania where the governments attempted to impose secularism on the
citizens. Zuckerman says that forced secularism doesn't work. See pp.
20-22.

5. Paradoxically, despite the fact that most Danes and Swedes
are atheists or agnostics and don't attend church regularly, 83% of
Danes and 80% of Swedes continue voluntarily to pay a tax to the
National Church, which is Lutheran (p. 112), and many hold traditional
events such as weddings, baptisms, confirmations, and funerals in
church. Zuckerman says that Danes and Swedes, while rejecting the
supernatural dimensions of Christianity - Jesus performed miracles,
Jesus was God, Jesus rose from the dead, the Bible is God's
revelation, the Genesis account of creation is accurate, there is an
afterlife with a heaven and a hell, etc. – maintain a "cultural
religion" similar to many Jews. (pp. 153-155) Oddly, in Denmark a
person may be a pastor and an atheist. (p. 154)

6. Despite the fact that Danes and Swedes are irreligious, they
are not hostile to religion, they shun serious discussions of it, they
deem a person's views about religion a private matter, and many
non-believers dislike being labeled an atheist because they take the
term to imply hostility to religion. Further, many non-believers
self-identify as "Christians." When one asks them what it means to be
a Christian, they say it means being kind, helping people who need
help, not hurting others, etc. As a rule they reject the supernatural
components. See Chapter 8, "Cultural Religion," pp. 150-166. Also, see
pp. 97-109.

7. Zuckerman lists the following examples of Christian
conservatives who claim that a society that is irreligious will fail:
Pat Robertson, the late Jerry Falwell, Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly,
Laura Schlesinger, William Bennett, Rush Limbaugh, and Paul Weyrich.
(p. 4, pp. 17-18)

8. American fundamentalists will no doubt object to Zuckerman's
strongly favorable evaluation of Denmark and Sweden by noting that in
these countries abortion has been legal for more than thirty years,
prostitution is legal, and homosexuality is tolerated.

Source: http://www.wysu.org/commentaryview.cfm?RecNum=154

Photo: Book Cover: Society without God: What the Least Religious
Nations Can Tell Us About Contentment, Phil Zuckerman (Amazon.com)
------------------------
Latin America and Caribbean Communication Agency (ALC)
English edition: Casilla 17-16-95 - Quito - Ecuador

-------- For information on signing off the list and other commonly
used listserv commands, send the command HELP in the body of a message
to LISTSERV@LISTSERV.MESSIAH.EDU.

milestones

Iris is getting baptized the second sunday in February. There will be
a baptismal feast afterwards.

Also, Roy informed me that she held her bottle all by herself this morning.

She's working on rolling over, but so far, not successful.

note to self (and other self)

Information If you plan to graduate May 2009 (Spring Semester), you
must apply for graduation
either online via onCampus or in the Registrar's office in Garner Hall
by MARCH 06, 2009.
In order to graduate, your tuition and fees must be paid by APRIL 10, 2009.

iris really digs the soundtrack to Malcolm X

is it okay

that Iris likes watching the TV?

like beans and cornbread...

we go hand in hand...

iris is rolling onto her side. (from her back). she hasn't figured
out how ot go all the way onto her tummy, though.

i'm also eating ginger snaps.

more status updates

emily thinks that people only have the freedom not to vaccinate their
kids because everyone else does it.

emily worries about her childbirth and future childbirths (or is that
childrenbirth?).

she also worries about both being self righteous about childbirth (and
feeding) as well as being judged by other self righteous people.

facebook status blogs

too often, i think of a good facebook status, but i've just already
made one and don't want to change it....

so here are at least three for today:

emily needs a kinder heart

emily...iris is fourteen weeks old today

emily is so so so so so tired

i would blog more but a) i'm too tired or busy b) most of my thoughts
are about how i feed my baby and when the next time is to pump and
nobody wants to hear about that.

pray for jackson

http://www.clarionledger.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20081228/NEWS/81227005

well, this is bizarre.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/12/23/single.men.parenting/index.html

i like these sentences from my gender book:

"Part of the reason that men seem so much less loving than women,"
argues sociologist Francesca Cancian, "is that men's behavior is
measured with a feminine ruler." This has devalued and displaced and
replaced it with another. "His" expressions of love included sexual
passion, the practical aspects of providing and protecting, ensuring
material survival and mutual aid. "Her' way of loving was sharing
feelings, developing mutual emotional dependency, and nurturing
through talk."

after all, it's just up I-55

http://www.clarionledger.com/article/20081106/NEWS/81106012

this is fun:

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1855000,00.html

things we need

people are always telling us, "if there's anything you need, let us know."

well, since they can't give us a whole night's sleep, i don't really
know what to say.

but i know what i want: a margarita. very badly.

life is getting more manageable. ...I think.

I got to run errands today and felt like a new person.

life is still hard...we haven't really fallen into a rhythm yet, and
Iris is getting bigger and so her eating schedule is changing anyway.
I'm not very good at patterns anyway, so this would be a struggle
anyway. But I do so much better with routine, so I don't know how
we'll work things out. We'll have to have some sort of schedule by the
time I go back to work, so I guess we'll work something out. Iris has
started sleeping longer, which is nice, but it makes feeding her
confusing. We are still bottle-feeding her breastmilk, so it's not
just a matter of letting her eat as much as she likes. But it's
cheaper than formula!

I did go to the lactaction doctor and was going to try straight-up
breast feeding, but I realized that my attempts just made me really
unstable. And since I'm high risk for post partum depression anyway, I
figured it was better to have a sane mommy...especially since she's
still getting breast milk. Maybe for our second kid, I'll have had
enough therapy and know what I"m doing enough to be a good breast
feeder. But I do like being sane.

This is not very coherent. Sorry. I still definitely feel like I'm not
sure what the heck I'm doing--and I'm still nervous about bathing
her--which is why she smells so milky. But we are both champion diaper
changers. And fortunately, Iris doesn't explode too many diapers.

Okay. I think I need to feed her.

She's really really precious. I tried to take pictures of her today,
but the camera batteries didn't work.

a little catch up

so... wehadababyitsagirl.

this is what i wrote for facebook:

So, last night (well, october first) at 7:03 (19:03 military time),
Iris was born.

We went to the hospital at 5:30 AM to be induced (this meant I
couldn't eat or drink anything after midnight the night before--it
stunk.) They gave me pitocin and broke my water (roy thought it was
really scary) and then I labored and labored and labored...and it was
painful, though not the end of the world, and the reason why it wasn't
painful enough was because I didn't make very much progress--not
enough to have a baby. So after ten hours of labor(during which Roy
rubbed my feet and back at great sacrifice to himself), the doctor
told me that I probably needed a c-section, because I wasn't making
progess. I was kinda scared of that, but I'd been in pain for a long
time, and wanted to have a baby, so we decided to go for it. A funny
thing: I wanted to ask my sister Betsy/Elizabeth, because she's in
physician's assistant school, but when we tried to get in touch with
her, her husband said that she had just gone into surgery (she's
observing them right now) and I said, "well, if she's in surgery, why
not me?" And then Roy and I talked for like 30 seconds and I said, "My
righteousness is in Jesus, not how I give birth." And he said, "Yeah,
you can do what you want, I love you."

So we had to go chase down the doctor, who probably didn't expect us
to make our decision quite so quickly. And then I got ready for
surgery. Roy got to wear a doctor outfit (I'm sure you can find
pictures) and loved it. I actually really enjoyed the c-section. I'd
been in pain for so long that to not feel pain just made me feel
WONDERFUL. I had a spinal block, so I couldn't move my legs (and even
way up into my trunk)...it feel like my legs were in concrete and all
prickly. They poked me with things to make sure the feeling was gone.
Roy got to come. I was happy. There was a sheet in front of me so I
couldn't see what was going on, but I could hear. The doctor said,
"Oh, that's a big head!" and then "that's a big baby!" I couldn't see
at that point, but Roy watched. I did hear the doctor grunting,
though, and I threw up multiple times, and between the big baby being
pulled out of a small hole and my throwing up, one of the nurses
hyperventilated and had to run out of the room. It was really
exciting. We got to see her really quick before they took her back to
be cleaned up--she was light purple looking. and Huge. Then Roy got to
go see her (but I was still stuck in the bed and I couldn't move
except for my arms). And they made someone go get a camera so he could
take pictures. The staff at the hospital was super sweet. It was
really funny, they made predictions about how big the baby was as they
were pulling her out. She ended up being 9 pounds, 2 ounces. I mean, a
big ol' baby! Also, 20.5 inches.

And so she was born and I got to see her for a little bitty second and
Roy got to take her to the nursery, and then I had to go "recover." It
was really crazy waiting for the feeling to come back into my legs and
body--it was a while before I could wiggle my toes.

After a while I finally got to see Iris (at first it was just
pictures) and I fed her and it was really sweet. She's such a
beautiful girl! We think she looks kinda like a tomato or an eskimo.
We love her so much--there's a lot to love.
_____________________________

so...now our little girl is two weeks and a day old. and i don't know
how much she weighs. but i think it's close to ten pounds. she is
absolutely the most beautiful human being i've ever seen. she's also
congested right now and i'm glad her mumsie is coming so i can make
sure it's not a big deal.

having a child is so weird. besides the whole loss of sleep thing,
there's so many things to worry about. for instance, iris doesn't
like to breast feed. and she was jaundiced when we left the hospital.
of course, she would be, since she wasn't getting any milk, so she
couldn't pass anything. so that ol' bilirubin didn't have any place to
go and it just stayed in her body. they send us home with a
biliblanket and made us come back the next day. the nurse said that if
she didn't get better, we'd have to put her in the hospital! talk
about scary! and since she cried everytime she saw my breasts, they
taught me how to pump, and let me rent a pump from them. but it's
really hard not to feel like a failure because iris doesn't want to
breastfeed. she is getting breast milk, so she's getting everything
she needs, and pumping is actually a pretty good deal for me, because
it means that roy can feed her without me--so I get more sleep, but...
and i'm not sure that i'm not going to not try to breast
feed...but...even though no one has been mean about it and mostly
everyone has been encouraging, it's hard not to feel like a second
class mommy because my daughter doesn't like my breasts. that's a
pretty intimate rejection, especially to occur repeatedly....'cause
you have to keep trying to feed her.

there's just so many things to worry about if you're screwing
up...like if she got a pacifier too early (and if that's one of the
reasons she doesn't like to nurse) or if we hold her too much while
she's asleep, or if we don't play with her enough when she's awake....
etc., etc., etc...

all this makes me feel more like an incompetent little sister caring
for someone else's baby than a real mom. but she's still alive and
roy is great with her, and she's really Jesus' baby, not ours, and He
won't let us screw her up permanently. roy is really encouraging, too,
even though i think we've also been more unhappy with each other than
ever before--but I think we can chalk that up to lack of sleep--and
different philosophies of pacifier use. we've also had really sweet
times together, too, and not just emily-roy-iris times, but roy-emily
times.

So... God is still good. and i'm a little bit more basketcase-y than
usual...definitely very insecure about being a "mother." I'd probably
be a lot more confident if i were like a pioneer wife or something and
had to do it all by myself, without other people to compare myself to.

A note about pictures: because there are mean people abounding in the
world, we don't want to put pictures of iris up just for everyone to
see--so there are some on facebook. if you can't get to facebook, let
me know and i'll send you some pictures. because she is beautiful! and
worth all the insecurity.

okay. bye!

i had a baby

and i'm really tired. that's all.