it is really hard to pack with a baby

that is all.

the mailman gave us cookies today

and a change of address form.

Iris walked right up to him-- (i was holding her hand) down the
sidewalk--across the street, and he said hi and gave us cookies. Roy
is eating the rest of them.

I thought this was sweet.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/wayoflife/09/23/truck.chaplain/index.html

so close to our house!

http://www.clarionledger.com/article/20090918/NEWS/90918018/1263/RSS

parenting and the NYT

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html

also, this sounds very familiar...

Sounds scarily like myself...as the junk person.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/13/fashion/13love.html?pagewanted=2&em

thought-provoking

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/13/opinion/13ehrenreich.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

this article says what i've always thought:

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200909/health-care

griefy mcgrief grief

the thing about grief is, it's poignant. it's gorilla-glued to the
human condition. everybody, even if they can't identify with the
actual grief, can recognize it and that they might experience such a
feeling. that's why sad movies work. in the end, it feels like grief
is attractive, almost. <<<<I made this up. I have no data or
sources behind it.>>>>

i am grieving still, and grieving plenty. today I heard of a precious
friend who delivered her baby boy at six and a half months. Babies
don't live when they are born that early. this is also a weighty
grief. i can't even imagine...and i only lost my baby boy four months
or so before she did pregnancy-wise. So if you have some time, tell
God you care about her and her husband.

i have not been grief blogging, even though I often think about it.
mostly, it would just make me too sad, perhaps...or cry too much, and
i have Iris to take care of right now. but I know that I could write
lovely things about my grief, things that would make readers feel the
poignancy of it all, and maybe make them cry. and what I could write
would be beautiful. I would read them and think about how I was such a
good writer, and I would cry all over again. But this grief is
precious to me, because it continues to connect me to my son--and I
don't want to exploit that connection. So you won't hear much about it
here, for sure. And I might not even tell you that much about it to
your face. I don't know...I just... this grief is precious, but it is
for me and my family, not for the world. If I can tell how good Jesus
is, then I might share more to an individual, but otherwise... I don't
know. I will not be making it beautiful for public consumption. That
is all.

That said, because I know people do care about me and want to know how
I am doing: as far as I know, Jesus and Roy are doing a pretty good
job of taking care of me--I seem to, most days, be functioning nicely,
even though there is no telling what will make me grieve. I have never
been counseled for grief, though (even though when I was in therapy,
there was much grieving going on), so if you know more than I do about
grief and are worried for me, please talk to Roy. I __think__ that I
am doing okay. I've certainly never been as good as housekeeper. But
since I spent many years thinking I was awesome when I was, in fact, a
terrible terrible terrible unstable MESS, I am very cautious about
making self assessments. /self focus

How are you doing? What's going on in your life? Roy loves his job.
Iris is growing. We are moving, soon. MSU football is tomorrow!
Hurray!

this is what i married into

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/27/fashion/27SKIN.html?pagewanted=1&em

twitter

twitter can be so annoying.

i'm not sure it's worthwhile to be on, except for the MSU beat
reporter and the fun sports people. Maybe I should just unfollow some
folks.

that's all.

I'm now a twitterer

and I think Roy might be jumping on that train pretty soon.

It's kinda fun, but also annoying. I don't feel like I'm really cool
enough to be a twitterer, and I can't imagine being interesting enough
that some of the people who follow me will really benefit. I know
that some twitterers are businesses trying to establish relationships,
etc., but am I really going to say something that will benefit
Marshall Ramsey (who actually tweets so much that I'm about to stop
following him, I think)?

I mostly started on twitter so I could follow the Mississippi State
beat reporter (@kyleveazey, if you're interested), and then I found
other interesting people, starting with sports people (i'm following
shaq, chris paul, and michael strahan, and terrell owens), and then
some reformed folks/RUF folks, and some friends.

But there's so much _posturing_ in it--when people repeat nice things
other people have said about them, etc., etc., that I get really
annoyed, too. So, we'll see. I might stop following John Piper.

Anyway, I initially planned on merely following and not "tweeting" at
all, but now I do from time to time. But I try to only say things that
are interesting or beautiful.

So there.

If you are a twitterer and would like to follow me, I'm emilyjanehubb.

(I hate all their madeup language, with the @s and the RT and the #)...

FYI

Thank you so much for caring about me. I appreciate it. In the future,
please refer to miscarriage as a loss, not a difficulty.
Yours truly,
Emily

your brain and rats and stress

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/18/science/18angier.html?em

grief grief grief

today v. yesterday

Yesterday I was a pretty good housewife--I made breakfast and lunch
for my husband, found all the stuff he'd lost and could n't leave for
work without, I folded AND putaway clothes, had food ready for my
husband when he got home, rubbed his tired feet, took our kid for a
walk so he could get a good rest...

Today, while still early, I prayed before Iris ate breakfast, and told
her that Jesus loves her. I didn't do anything to help Roy.

(I also took nyquil last night).

The end.

in the midst of sorrow, growth

man, that title sounds cheesy--

and the growth is Iris's, not mine.

Yesterday, she took two (non consecutive) tiny steps!
We are not hurrying her to walk, but it was pretty exciting.

Also, I think she has realized that we cant MAKE her go to sleep.
Snuggling with her doesn't do any good, nor does giving her her
favorite blanket, or a stuffed animal, or a pacifier. I'm sure this is
all a good developmental thing, but it's definitely making life a lil
bit more difficult right this second. Momma could use more sleep
herself!

We are making it. God is good. Our friends are sweet. Our living child
is precious.

Keep in touch.

sad news

well, when i went to the doctor on friday for our second ultrasound,
there wasn't a heartbeat.

second verse, same as the first

I'm really sad. and we told a lot of people about this baby because we
(especially me) were SO excited...so there's a lot of untelling. so
please, make sure everyone you know that knows us knows we had a
miscarriage. i'm not sure which one is worse, being asked how the
baby is doing or hearing other people's sad baby stories, when you
only want to grieve for your own, but please please please make sure
people know. it's weird, because this is a deeply personal thing...i'm
still carrying my child whose heart isn't beating, but I want everyone
to know. and they can pray, too. So I don't mind people knowing, but
I'd probably rather just have a hug than any words of comfort. we've
already done this before...i know the drill...but I don't mind knowing
that you care about us. Roy is a very good comforter--not as good as
Jesus, but pretty good. :)

We'll still take flowers and/or casseroles. And we do have a beautiful
little girl to snuggle and hug tight. and God is good to us. and I
like my new doctor, still.

This grief is different...it's a familiar grief, not a strange one,
and it's tempered by Iris's presence and her daily needs. You can't
just be sad all day and mope when you have to feed and clothe and play
and supervise a precious baby, who will lean in for a kiss if you say
"Iris, give me a kiss!" But at the same time, I'm not sure how to
grieve as good as I did with Beulah.

But my doctor is ...gracious is the word that comes to mind, even
though I'm not sure how that fits. He didn't pressure for a d&c at
all, though if my body doesn't cooperate, who knows what will
happen... so I have time and space to grieve and wait, and still hold
little Reuben (this one I decided is a boy, and Roy named him) with
me.

So pray for us, please, that we would both have grace to be good
parents to Iris and to support each other, and PLEASE tell people,
anyone at all that might know us. And I think some visits would be
okay...I'm just not sure.

Sorry this is a little / a lot distracted...I've been dreading writing this.

Thank you.

i really liked this article.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html

shoes I'm throwing out

a riveting post, I assure you.
Today is my first "stay at home mom day" (man, I hate that term so
much!)...Iris finally decided to take a nap (hurray!) and so before I
did something very vegge-out-like, I decided I would be a little
productive...so I put my flylady hat on, set a timer for 15 minutes,
and went through my drawers and my shoe bungalow.

I think I'll be able to live with the clothes I'm giving away, but
some of my shoes, even though I never wear them, ever, or they are so
old I am not stable in them, I'm still very sad to be throwing out.
So...I'm makin' a list:

1) My prom shoes from 11th grade. They are thick and clunky thong
platforms, Steve Maddens, red sole and straps, and black with red
asian pattern on the sides. I wore them with Mom's yellow prom dress.

2) The running shoes I got from the Lodge in Starkville when I was a
sophomore. They only cost $20, I think, and I was very proud of them.
They were mostly grey Reeboks, and sometimes my feet fell asleep in
them.

3) My pink flats with the flowers on the toe. These were some of the
first "cute" shoes I picked out without my sisters, and I was (again!)
very proud of their purchase. I've worn them so much my feet kinda
slide around in them, which now that I'm carrying babies all the time
isn't very safe.

4) My Merrell sandals. Carroll called them my "athletic grandma"
shoes, and when I was in my walking phase my senior year of college, I
wore them ALL the time, walking to class, social events, etc. One of
the shoes--I think it was the left one, got ravaged by John Wiggins'
dog Chaco, but I wore them anyway. "Ravaged" is a bit strong...maybe
"damaged" is better.

5) My blue "Slickrock" Clark's shoes I bought when I was a freshman. I
wore those shoes everywhere, too. I ordered them from Zappos, and I
still remember how excited I was when we got to 525 (I think it was
after tutoring at Brickfire), and I could see the box on the steps of
my apartment. And I wore them to RUF that night, but decided that I
needed a bigger size, so I sent them back, even though I'd worn them
once. I wanted to have a pair of Clarks, but now be like everyone else
and get Wallabys.

6) My peacock blue Crocs that Roy got me last year for my birthday. I
wore them constantly--they were great pregnant shoes. I walked all
over New York in them and didn't get any blisters, and that was right
after we'd gotten them. But then we wore them so much I wore the tread
off them and slipped while I was pretty pregnant with Iris. I didn't
land on her, but I have a scar on my ankle from making sure I didn't.

7) My tan Mary Jane wedges I bought from Walmart...mmmm...maybe when I
was a sophomore? They were the first pair of "cute" shoes I ever just
wore around--of course, I didn't start doing that until my senior
year. They were a copy of I think Steve Madden shoes, and I thought
they were really cool. My feet have grown too much from being
pregnant, so I don't think they'll be comfortable again--and they are
wedges and I definitely prefer flats these days. But I wore them a lot
and liked them.

Okay. The end. Thank you for indulging my sense of nostalgia---I get
terribly attached to my things and sometimes the only way I can bring
myself to throw them out is to make sure I'll remember them.