this is what i married into

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/27/fashion/27SKIN.html?pagewanted=1&em

twitter

twitter can be so annoying.

i'm not sure it's worthwhile to be on, except for the MSU beat
reporter and the fun sports people. Maybe I should just unfollow some
folks.

that's all.

I'm now a twitterer

and I think Roy might be jumping on that train pretty soon.

It's kinda fun, but also annoying. I don't feel like I'm really cool
enough to be a twitterer, and I can't imagine being interesting enough
that some of the people who follow me will really benefit. I know
that some twitterers are businesses trying to establish relationships,
etc., but am I really going to say something that will benefit
Marshall Ramsey (who actually tweets so much that I'm about to stop
following him, I think)?

I mostly started on twitter so I could follow the Mississippi State
beat reporter (@kyleveazey, if you're interested), and then I found
other interesting people, starting with sports people (i'm following
shaq, chris paul, and michael strahan, and terrell owens), and then
some reformed folks/RUF folks, and some friends.

But there's so much _posturing_ in it--when people repeat nice things
other people have said about them, etc., etc., that I get really
annoyed, too. So, we'll see. I might stop following John Piper.

Anyway, I initially planned on merely following and not "tweeting" at
all, but now I do from time to time. But I try to only say things that
are interesting or beautiful.

So there.

If you are a twitterer and would like to follow me, I'm emilyjanehubb.

(I hate all their madeup language, with the @s and the RT and the #)...

FYI

Thank you so much for caring about me. I appreciate it. In the future,
please refer to miscarriage as a loss, not a difficulty.
Yours truly,
Emily

your brain and rats and stress

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/18/science/18angier.html?em

grief grief grief

today v. yesterday

Yesterday I was a pretty good housewife--I made breakfast and lunch
for my husband, found all the stuff he'd lost and could n't leave for
work without, I folded AND putaway clothes, had food ready for my
husband when he got home, rubbed his tired feet, took our kid for a
walk so he could get a good rest...

Today, while still early, I prayed before Iris ate breakfast, and told
her that Jesus loves her. I didn't do anything to help Roy.

(I also took nyquil last night).

The end.

in the midst of sorrow, growth

man, that title sounds cheesy--

and the growth is Iris's, not mine.

Yesterday, she took two (non consecutive) tiny steps!
We are not hurrying her to walk, but it was pretty exciting.

Also, I think she has realized that we cant MAKE her go to sleep.
Snuggling with her doesn't do any good, nor does giving her her
favorite blanket, or a stuffed animal, or a pacifier. I'm sure this is
all a good developmental thing, but it's definitely making life a lil
bit more difficult right this second. Momma could use more sleep
herself!

We are making it. God is good. Our friends are sweet. Our living child
is precious.

Keep in touch.

sad news

well, when i went to the doctor on friday for our second ultrasound,
there wasn't a heartbeat.

second verse, same as the first

I'm really sad. and we told a lot of people about this baby because we
(especially me) were SO excited...so there's a lot of untelling. so
please, make sure everyone you know that knows us knows we had a
miscarriage. i'm not sure which one is worse, being asked how the
baby is doing or hearing other people's sad baby stories, when you
only want to grieve for your own, but please please please make sure
people know. it's weird, because this is a deeply personal thing...i'm
still carrying my child whose heart isn't beating, but I want everyone
to know. and they can pray, too. So I don't mind people knowing, but
I'd probably rather just have a hug than any words of comfort. we've
already done this before...i know the drill...but I don't mind knowing
that you care about us. Roy is a very good comforter--not as good as
Jesus, but pretty good. :)

We'll still take flowers and/or casseroles. And we do have a beautiful
little girl to snuggle and hug tight. and God is good to us. and I
like my new doctor, still.

This grief is different...it's a familiar grief, not a strange one,
and it's tempered by Iris's presence and her daily needs. You can't
just be sad all day and mope when you have to feed and clothe and play
and supervise a precious baby, who will lean in for a kiss if you say
"Iris, give me a kiss!" But at the same time, I'm not sure how to
grieve as good as I did with Beulah.

But my doctor is ...gracious is the word that comes to mind, even
though I'm not sure how that fits. He didn't pressure for a d&c at
all, though if my body doesn't cooperate, who knows what will
happen... so I have time and space to grieve and wait, and still hold
little Reuben (this one I decided is a boy, and Roy named him) with
me.

So pray for us, please, that we would both have grace to be good
parents to Iris and to support each other, and PLEASE tell people,
anyone at all that might know us. And I think some visits would be
okay...I'm just not sure.

Sorry this is a little / a lot distracted...I've been dreading writing this.

Thank you.

i really liked this article.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html

shoes I'm throwing out

a riveting post, I assure you.
Today is my first "stay at home mom day" (man, I hate that term so
much!)...Iris finally decided to take a nap (hurray!) and so before I
did something very vegge-out-like, I decided I would be a little
productive...so I put my flylady hat on, set a timer for 15 minutes,
and went through my drawers and my shoe bungalow.

I think I'll be able to live with the clothes I'm giving away, but
some of my shoes, even though I never wear them, ever, or they are so
old I am not stable in them, I'm still very sad to be throwing out.
So...I'm makin' a list:

1) My prom shoes from 11th grade. They are thick and clunky thong
platforms, Steve Maddens, red sole and straps, and black with red
asian pattern on the sides. I wore them with Mom's yellow prom dress.

2) The running shoes I got from the Lodge in Starkville when I was a
sophomore. They only cost $20, I think, and I was very proud of them.
They were mostly grey Reeboks, and sometimes my feet fell asleep in
them.

3) My pink flats with the flowers on the toe. These were some of the
first "cute" shoes I picked out without my sisters, and I was (again!)
very proud of their purchase. I've worn them so much my feet kinda
slide around in them, which now that I'm carrying babies all the time
isn't very safe.

4) My Merrell sandals. Carroll called them my "athletic grandma"
shoes, and when I was in my walking phase my senior year of college, I
wore them ALL the time, walking to class, social events, etc. One of
the shoes--I think it was the left one, got ravaged by John Wiggins'
dog Chaco, but I wore them anyway. "Ravaged" is a bit strong...maybe
"damaged" is better.

5) My blue "Slickrock" Clark's shoes I bought when I was a freshman. I
wore those shoes everywhere, too. I ordered them from Zappos, and I
still remember how excited I was when we got to 525 (I think it was
after tutoring at Brickfire), and I could see the box on the steps of
my apartment. And I wore them to RUF that night, but decided that I
needed a bigger size, so I sent them back, even though I'd worn them
once. I wanted to have a pair of Clarks, but now be like everyone else
and get Wallabys.

6) My peacock blue Crocs that Roy got me last year for my birthday. I
wore them constantly--they were great pregnant shoes. I walked all
over New York in them and didn't get any blisters, and that was right
after we'd gotten them. But then we wore them so much I wore the tread
off them and slipped while I was pretty pregnant with Iris. I didn't
land on her, but I have a scar on my ankle from making sure I didn't.

7) My tan Mary Jane wedges I bought from Walmart...mmmm...maybe when I
was a sophomore? They were the first pair of "cute" shoes I ever just
wore around--of course, I didn't start doing that until my senior
year. They were a copy of I think Steve Madden shoes, and I thought
they were really cool. My feet have grown too much from being
pregnant, so I don't think they'll be comfortable again--and they are
wedges and I definitely prefer flats these days. But I wore them a lot
and liked them.

Okay. The end. Thank you for indulging my sense of nostalgia---I get
terribly attached to my things and sometimes the only way I can bring
myself to throw them out is to make sure I'll remember them.

Time is filled with swift transition...

We sing this song at church a good deal, and it pretty aptly sums up
what's going on with our lives.

Time is filled with swift transition,
Naught of earth unmoved can stand,
Build your hopes on things eternal,
Hold to God's unchanging hand.

Refrain:
Hold to God's unchanging hand,
Hold to God's unchanging hand;
Build your hopes on things eternal,
Hold to God's unchanging hand.

Trust in Him who will not leave you,
Whatsoever years may bring,
If by earthly friends forsaken
Still more closely to Him cling.

Covet not this world's vain riches
That so rapidly decay,
Seek to gain the heav'nly treasures,
They will never pass away.

When your journey is completed,
If to God you have been true,
Fair and bright the home in glory
Your enraptured soul will view.

--Jennie Wilson
-----

It seems like this whole year has been full of the promise of change,
but none of it has been the change I hoped. Well, only a couple
things.

I think you all know most of the saga of Roy's search for
employment--how RUF at Tougaloo didn't work out, and so we visited
churches, with several seeming VERY interested in us, but ultimately,
none of them hired us. And so we decided that God must want us in
Jackson, and Roy went to look for teaching jobs in the public school
system here. His certification was out of date, so none of the schools
were as interested as they should be in such an awesome teacher. [:)]
We were interested in the Jackson public schools for a couple
reasons--we wanted to be working where we lived, we are pro-Christians
serving in the public schools (and sending their kids there!), and
the pay was good...not compared to other states, but compared to our
current situation. And state benefits are decent. But none of the
schools wanted to hire Roy. We had gotten to the point of saying "If
you don't have a job by September, maybe we should look for church
jobs again." I think the next day, Roy got a call from a private
school in Clinton. The call was on a Monday, interview was on a
Tuesday, he accepted the job on a Wednesday, and he starts next
Tuesday. It is not the same financially as JPS would have been were
Roy to be hired there, and definitely provides fewer benefits, but it
is a JOB!! and we are very thankful for it. (Take note that benefits
are important--this will be explained later.)

For Roy, this means that he will get to stop keeping Iris and start
going to work. For me, this means I am now working 15 hours a week at
the job that I love (most of the time), and have to find a sitter
(even though, really, there's no reason that sitter-finding is solely
my job, especially because I am not good at it) for when I am working,
and I'll be at home, keeping Iris, for most of my time. I am also
losing my benefits, and getting paid enough (not counting what taxes
will take out) just enough to pay for COBRA health insurance coverage.
And that's NOT counting paying the babysitter. [If anyone wants to
keep Iris for free a couple days a week, let me know. She's sweet and
fun, and when she smiles, she's radiant!] While I am so glad that Roy
has a real job and a real paycheck, I'm a little stressed about how it
will all work out.

Roy will also be doing a little bit of RUF stuff with Tougaloo/JSU and
teaching a Bible class for Belhaven's adult education program.

Now, about why benefits are important--we're having another baby! This
doesn't help with the stress...but we are really glad and excited.
Little Jo-Lo should be born when Iris is about 17 months old--March
sometime (I know that was your first thought--don't even try to lie!)
and as fast as Iris is growing up, I think it'll be okay. But that's
why having benefits--and keeping me insured, is very important. If my
insurance lapses, from what I understand, the pregnancy will be
declared a pre-existing condition, and wouldn't be covered. I also
switched doctors so I can try to not have a c-section this time...his
practice is much smaller than where I was before, and I already feel
happier about having to go to the doctor all the time again. By the
time Iris was born, I was so sick of the doctor's office, I could
barely stand it. I also got my medical records from the doctor's
office and was very sad to see that there wasn't very much information
about Iris's birth--maybe I need to get that from the hospital? I was
really curious to see what had happened, since I don't really remember
that much. But we are excited about God's blessing us with this newest
little one. I get to go to the doctor next Friday to get another
sonogram--the first one disagreed with my dates by about two weeks, so
the doctor wanted to get another look.

So, that's what's up with us Hubbards...Roy is going to be teaching
math to 7th, 8th, and 9th graders at Clinton Christian Academy, and me
and Iris are going to be hanging out most of the week...I'll be
working a little bit and growing a baby as well. A lot of change, all
at once, and none of it exactly like I anticipated... Time is filled
with swift transition, indeed! I better be reaching out to God's
unchanging hand, huh?

Also, come to think of it, Iris and I, and to a lesser extent Roy, are
sick--Iris with an ear infection (doctor diagnosed) and me with a
sinus infection (self diagnosed)...Iris has antibiotics, and I'm
drinking hot Tang and being grumpy (apparently a symptom associated
with being pregnant...I've been very internally grumpy at work, so it
seems fortuitous that I get to take a break now).

So, what's happening with y'all?

We might get to get a kitten after all, too and might not have to move
from the church house--but I'm too tired to explain all that.

So, that's all.

Love,
Emily